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The Dog Pile Papers: The Dog & Cat Vote, 2012
By J.D. Erickson
Olympia, Wash. (AP) --The voter registration form arrived in the mail last month with some key information already filled in: Rosie Charlston’s name was complete, as was her Seattle address. Problem is, Rosie was a black lab who died in 1998. A group called the Voter Participation Center has touted the distribution of some 5 million registration forms in recent weeks, targeting Democratic-leaning voting blocs such as unmarried women, blacks, Latinos and young adults. But residents and election administrators around the country also have reported a series of bizarre and questionable mailings addressed to animals, dead people, non-citizens and…
DB: Now this is something we can get our teeth into.
Jacey: Move your paw. I read faster than you.
Dakota: Pets can vote? Since when?
Jacey: Aw, nuts! Apparently it’s just Democrat pets that get to vote.
DB: I thought Democrats were all about being fair.
Dakota: Move your paw, DB.
Jer: What are you chewing, Jacey?
Jacey: Sorry, I got excited. I think it was a liberal opinion piece on Bernanke.
Jer: Spit it out. Reading the article on pets voting, are we? Don’t get your hopes up. You’re all legal, Republican, and alive.
Dakota: This talks about dead pets, dead people, too. It’s like, zombie Democrats.
DB: Heh, heh. Next zombie movie should have zombies carrying suitcases full of votes. Like, you know, why would zombies need a suitcase? They could be standing in line at a polling place, like in Minnesota, and…
Jacey: Even a dead Democrat dog should know better than to vote for a dog-eater.
Dakota: Is the voting age in dog years or people years?
Later that night.
Dakota: Jer, am I smart enough to vote?
Jer: Tell me, where does dog food come from?
Dakota: A capitalist economic system, right?
Jer: Where’s the capital of South Dakota?
Dakota: Is that with an “a” or an “o”?
Jer: I’ll sign you up tomorrow.